​process. For someone who did not grow up with any music or voice background, listening to voice lessons can be a little odd, a little uncommon sounding. I have heard of vocal warm ups and have seen some of my theater/singing friends do them, but honestly I have barely experience them and don’t fully get them. I understand they are part of what you do, but only from an outsiders point of view. I wonder are they really necessary and how do people actually do them on a regular basis. The thought of me doing them makes me nervous and unsure. Making sounds like that (as well as singing in general) is calling for attention. Its making yourself vulnerable, heard, and seen. Its easier to stay in the background. Perhaps it has less to do with sounds and instead more to do with pride and vulnerability (and a lack of discipline). To do things like that you have to be willing to look and sound odd or unusual to some people, to non-voice people, to those not participating with you. You need to be willing to be vulnerable in order to warmup and sing wherever you are no matter who is or is not around. You need to be willing to do it regularly, consistently. You need to be willing to be noticed, seen, and looked at while you are using your voice. 

I have wanted to get better at singing. To be more confident with my voice and knowing how to use it. I don’t want to be a great singer, on stage, or anything. I just want to have a little more confidence and willingness to set a certain tone or atmosphere around me sometimes. I want to use my voice to do some of that, but at this point I will not. I will not because I am not willing to be disciplined in doing the little things - in warming up, in practice, in learning something new, in looking silly while trying, in failing, in risking the unknown. Maybe someday I will be, but at this point. It isn’t a main priority to do it vocally right now. I do want to be willing to be disciplined and vulnerable, I am just not there yet. I haven’t followed through to this point yet nor sought out a way of really learning to use my voice or having real accountability. At this point I do not have the ambition to do what is necessary to know what my voice can do or how to use it.

​In a conversation with Harris iii, I was explaining how my natural tendency is to tell myself it won’t work before I even ask the question. He replied, “so you say no for others?” My initial internal and verbal response was “no, I don’t do that... its more like I say no to myself,” but then his words sunk in. 

You are correct, Harris. Yes, its true. I tend to say no for others. I don’t give them the option to decide for themselves. I don’t give them the opportunity to speak into my life nor into the lives of those lives around me. I don’t let them consider answering the question with a yes, no, maybe, or imagination. Instead I say, “No... it cant happen. Its not possible. It won’t work. Here are all the reasons why so I won’t even ask.” 

I don’t ask the question. I don’t hear the real answer. I don’t let myself be vulnerable. I don’t speak out. When I say “no” in this way, I am not only saying no for people but I am also saying no for God - not allowing him the space to move in my life and the lives of those around me. I am closing off (though he can move without my yes) the opportunity to experience His works. There are many times where the answer could be a yes, or a maybe or lead to something even better, but I in those places I wouldn’t know because I stopped the answer before the question was created, put into words, before it was spoken. But not this time. This time I asked, and let him answer, I let them answer.

Thank you Harris for answering my message. For calling. For listening to me. For asking questions. For being willing to try to make it work if the situation & time allow. Thank you for your and your employee’s time and quick response. I appreciate that. I appreciate you. 

Thank you for that one phrase that stuck with me. That one phrase I disputed in my heart before realizing it has held some truth. But it was not the truth for this time. This time I said, Yes. I said yes to the Holy Spirit and Yes to asking. I say yes to hearing whatever the full answer back will be. I already appreciate the not yet full answer. I feel good about what I’ve seen and heard so far.

Thank you Holy Spirit for moving me forward. Moving me closer to you.

​I walked up Stone Mountain yesterday with a friend. I’ve been up to the top many times, but I’m not sure I’ve gone beyond reaching the top. I don’t even think I have ever been in the building up there. Perhaps I had been inside the first time I went to Stone Mountain six years ago, but I’m not sure. My friend and I went towards the building and stepped onto the balcony. We were looking out over that side of the mountain when I saw a woman I had seen earlier. She was coming from behind the building in between two fences. It didn’t even dawn on me that not only you could go back there, but to even go there. Once I saw her I wanted to go in that area. I had realized that area wasn’t fenced off and I had never been there. There are many areas that are fenced off. Some that are closer to the edge and some that are protecting certain types of plant life. But there are also many areas that are not blocked off.

I wanted to go where these two fences did not connect or block. There was a path in between them. My friend did not want to go there. She followed me a ways, but stood off in the distance watching me from a ways off. I walked up close to the fence and turned towards the way I wanted to go. This fence wasn’t near the edge and I wasn’t crossing the fence or breaking any rules but she stood watching me from the distance. I wanted to go forward with her. I did not want to leave her or go alone. I saw her hesitation and holding back. I called her towards me saying it was okay. When I glanced back at her I saw pieces of myself and things I have done in the past. I saw places I had been nervous whether it was because of safety or because I felt like the “rules” said we can’t. I remembered the feeling of holding back.  I wasn’t sure of her reasons of holding back, but it appeared to me like she was afraid. It appeared to me that she was afraid because of rules. To me there was nothing scary about what was physically going on. We were not near the outer fence and even the outer fence was not anywhere near the edge. 

I finally got her to come closer to me and we were disagreeing on whether to go on or not. I conceded saying, “well, I can come back another time by myself so I will just do it then.” But she didn’t want to be left out, she wanted to go with me even though she was afraid to go. Right about then a man walked past us and headed the direction I wanted to go. Seeing him she felt more confident and safe to go so we headed behind him. Someone else was going before us. We walked by those two fences, but then my friend held back again. The man quickly disappeared from our view as he followed the outer fence.  I walked down the rock towards that outer fence. She stood at a distance. I waved her towards me a couple of times, urging her to come near. She got a little closer, but overall stayed pretty far away from the fence. We did go on a bit further but she stayed higher up on the rock while I walked near the outer fence.

​I want to move forward with Him. Following His lead.