Almost two months ago I talked about the overflow of the heart and that gunk was being dug up from the bottom of my heart. I believe that has been the case in many ways still. Its different than what I was talking about that day, but it’s still happening. This gunk has settled deep within me and I don’t know the depths of it. Then my heart experienced pain this summer. Deeper pain than I realized it would. Deeper and longer than I wanted it to. Uncontrollably displayed at times. At times still. Heartache. Sadness. Tears. Pain. Certain situations brought out that pain. But that pain is from deeper places than those situations went or could go. This pain is teaching me to remember and seek the One who can and is dealing with the depths of this ache in my heart and soul. I’m not sure how well I’ve done that. I don’t like pain, hurt, or sad tears. I have a friend who thinks tears, feelings, and pain is “the good stuff.” I’m not sure I agree with her on this one, but I understand some of why she says that. I have been able to pour out my heart to God and share with others through art and journaling. Art in some ways seems to be easier to create with a strong emotion attached to it. Perhaps that emotion often tends to be of the sad hurt kind or perhaps really its when you have a extreme good emotion it can lend itself to an extreme painful emotion. Either way. I’m not sure its the good stuff, but it is the real stuff.
While creating yesterday I was thinking about what Jesus gave up when he came here and what he gave up when he took the brokeness for our gunk. I was distracted before my thought got real deep, but I really can’t imagine what is like to be broken completely from perfect union, communion, connection, relationship with the Creator, his Father, his Spirit, Himself, Love. To not only be a little apart, but eternally apart.... before He rose and defeated death and destruction. He knows deep pervasive brokenness and separation so we can know deep pervasive fullness and connection. I know a little about brokenness of the heart, connection, and friendship, but its only in a very small and not pervasive sort of way. I still know connection with friends & family and see & feel the love of many people. I am still learning to see and know the love of the One who truly loves me the way I need to be loved. I’m still processing through all my feelings and gunk. I’m still learning how much I don’t have a clue and in other ways how I do have a little clue. I’m thankful to have art and journal pages to look back on to remember not only the pain and the healing, but the One who was there during it all.
These pieces hold emotions of both extremes. They are not only a telling of what has happened, but also a prayer for what is to come. May God’s glory be seen and known throughout my art, journal pages, and life. Whether in moments lacking emotion or moments of extreme emotion, He is there moving and working in and around me. May I be able to see it and enter in.
May you also be real in your emotions and enter into God’s love.