Today I cried on the floor of the PSOTA art room as I struggled over my feelings, my fears, my envy.
Minutes earlier I had been sketching and journaling while sitting at Refuge Coffee. Overall it was a beautiful time, but it turned negative as I sat listening to the conversation across from me. Two people from a local organization were sharing with a couple (possibly future volunteers or donors maybe) about the organization and the many things it does. In that moment, I grew more and more restless. I grew more and more frustrated with myself. What I was doing in that moment felt stupid and useless. I felt stupid and useless. Here I was sketching, skimming through a magazine, cutting out images, glueing, and circling words while other folks were out there in the world, doing, helping, serving, making a difference in lives. A true difference in the immediate lives and daily needs of people. I don’t really do that. Not in those ways. My practical side craves that. I crave to do, to be useful, yet here I was gluing paper together while sitting alone at a table for four. Sitting alone making something that most people would not see. Making a collage that wouldn’t really create a difference in anyones life. Maybe mine, but not beyond that. What was I doing?
Did it have value? Before I left my table for four, I jotted down my feelings and thoughts on my sketch paper and glued it on the back of my collage. I needed it out. Those feelings. out. to be seen. by at least me. and now you.
Lately I have often had to remind myself “thats not my story” when I look at others lives. I have had to remind myself of some of my story and who I am. This evening I was given the gift of hearing and seeing two friends share about some of that. First was a video post by Nikki Lerner about being generous. She posted it yesterday, but I didn’t see it until this evening. The second was an instagram post pointing to a blog post by Betsy Garmon titled “How to give yourself away properly.” Both of these posts are shared by wise women who I look up to. Wise women who know and are learning to know themselves and what they have to give. I am learning to know myself and what I have to give. at this moment. right now. in this season. I recommend that you go listen to and read those posts. if you have not already clicked on the links, go do it right now.
This is what I have to offer at the moment. My struggle. My tears. My art. My Story.
This week started out cloudy, but its looking like the sun is now peaking through.